The official Accessory of 2018 has been decided, folks. No, it isn’t that caution tape-inspired Off-White belt that nobody seems to know how to wear properly. And no, believe it or not, it actually isn’t that tiny pair of Gentle Monster sunglasses you bought last week—sorry about that. It turns out, against all odds, that the accessory of year is a reusable water bottle. But wait, you say. I thought we already did this almost 10 years ago when the Bobble Bottle was popping off, you say. Well, yes, sort of… Look: just because we did the sustainability is cool thing once doesn’t mean we can’t do it again, right? I didn’t think so because you see, you would sound like a real heartless fogey had you tried to contradict me. Bottles are back, but that’s not all, I swear! There currently are some really cool eco-friendly brands who are not only creating interesting looking, aesthetically-pleasing vessels, but bottles that are packed with enough technological advancement that they actually deserve the moniker vessel. So, how about you throw that nasty little empty plastic water bottle in the nearest recycling bin and come with me as I show you the future of H2O where accessorizing with your water is do or die.
Borne in the year twenty-ten from brainchild Sarah Kauss, S’well is definitely the most prominent luxury bottle on my radar right now. Not only does their triple-wall technology ensure that the bottle won’t create condensation on the exterior, it will keep your drink hot for 12 hours or cold for a whole 24 hours, depends how you like it. Think about that for a second: It’ll keep that perfectly brewed Kenyan roast at an optimal 92°C for a whole freaking twelve hours – wow, stupendous. Obviously the damn hydration vessel is eco-friendly as hell and on top of that, they’ve raised significant funds for several major charities, The Breast Cancer Research Foundation included. They have even collaborated with a bunch of really amazing artists as well as companies to deliver some incredibly beautiful bottles, my favorite would easily be the Liberty Fabrics one though. Are you starting to get it? Accessorizing with your water bottles is sick. My Mom has one, my Dad has one; my parents are cooler than you because they have goddamn reusable water bottles, don’t you see? They aren’t hard to find, so go take a look and see which S’well is right for you.
Did you know Jonah Hill was your new favorite style icon? No? Well then you must have been living under a rock for the past couple years because the Superbad star has been taking huge strides within the online fashion community. And the latest trend that’s recently gotten a gratifying Jonah Hill Stamp of Approval is none other than the reusable water bottle, but not just any bottle. I’m talking about the gargantuan 64 ounce Wide Mouth from Oregon-based Hydro Flask. One thing you oughta know about Hydro Flask, they kind of consider themselves the lords of innovation. And you know what? Power to them, they have somehow built a bottle that will even keep beer cold and tasting good over an extended period of time. But not just beer, they’ve designed growlers and bottles that are specialized for wine and spirits as well. Now this is my kind of sustainability; where accessorizing with your water bottle not only helps the planet, but gets you tipsy. So you all ought to keep those peepers on both Jonah Hill and Hydro Flask if you want to see more big things in the future.
“Since 2011, bkr has been proving that beauty will change the world, with water bottles so beautiful that drinking from them becomes a joy.” Damn, what a bunch of hooptie. You guys know I’m all about the sustainability vibe, but why do all these brands have to have these god awful Story pages on their websites. Like we get it, you created a product that you believe will change the world, but you don’t need to let your virtuosity outshine the virtue itself. Despite this madness that bkr is claiming (“bkr is the antidote to cheap, disposable plastic bottles, and the key to skin that glows from the inside“), they actually are creating a pretty slick reusable water bottle. Although all of these bottles are definitely a little Pinterest-forward, I have to admit that bkr knows how profitable accessorizing with your water can be. They’re the least technologically advanced as far as the bottles are concerned, but they have already begun to release a beauty products line and I can already see where this might be going. Do you remember those Chicken Soup For The Soul books? Did you know the only other line of products they create, aside from the books that they publish, is pet food? Crazy… Anyways, keep on the look out for bkr’s luxury line of hamster water bottles coming in the year 2024.
So there it is, my slightly less than conclusive analysis of the newest and hottest trend to sweep 2018. In all seriousness though, gang, it would be mighty honorable of you all to just take the second to go out there and get yourself a well-made reusable water bottle. Some might have a price tag that will make you want to dive into the deep end, but in the long rung it is a very worthwhile investment. Most of these bottles that I have outlined actually come with warranties and they are so well constructed that there is a very good chance they’ll last you years and years longer than your favorite pair of sneakers. Accessorizing with your water bottles is the trend of 2018 so far, so don’t miss out!